ESTRANGEMENT - ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES BS?

Family dynamics can be pretty chaotic. We all have that one overbearing relative, the one who never contributes, and let’s not forget the family member who always seems to be in crisis. With the holidays approaching, family issues become even more prominent. How do we cope? Should we tough it out, or is it healthier to remove ourselves for the “sake of our mental well-being”? 

PSS puts it simply. 9 out of 10 circumstances , walking away and “estrangement” is NOT the best course of action. 

Generational trauma, toxic relationships and estrangement from one’s family is hugely prevalent in Pop psychology but there are only rare instances where a family member may cause you REAL physical or emotional harm. In those cases, it’s crucial to establish clear and firm boundaries. But remember, harm is different from hurt.

HURT

Hurt signals that something’s off, but it’s not all bad. Embracing it with curiosity can deepen our self-understanding. Sure, our instinct is to shy away from pain, but avoiding it stunts our growth and resilience. Family dynamics can be tricky, especially when values clash, worldviews differ or you want to break-free of a generational pattern. BUT… Instead of retreating, why not spark lively discussions, try out new behaviors or use the opportunity to practice your own resilience and conviction… also “feeling hurt” particularly by a family member but also friends and colleagues is frequently correlated to old wounds or stories. The first thing I do when I feel hurt is ask myself “how old do I feel right now?” Usually it is a child like reaction and old narrative not a current realityBy doing this we are not running away from pain or masking things but rather being true to ourselves and demonstrating with our behaviour a willingness to “grow up” and take ownership for our reactions rather than trying to make others change. . 

WHEN AND HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES

Pop psychology tells us to cut out “toxic” family members, framing their behavior as the enemy. We hear it everywhere: if someone gets under your skin, just set a boundary and move on.

Sure, some days I’d love to kick a few relatives to the curb. But people aren’t disposable. In our throwaway culture, it’s too easy to treat relationships like worn-out clothes—if they don’t “fit,” toss them aside. Instead, we should ask: what does a good fit look like? Can I make it work then how? If NOT then what am i going to change it for?

That’s when real boundaries can be established, but it requires intention, clarity, and consistency. Most importantly, you have to communicate it. If you’re changing your behavior or the dynamic, don’t assume people will just get it—they’re not mind readers. And don’t expect them to welcome change with open arms. Change is tough, and just because you recognize that there is a serious issue doesn’t mean they do! Finally Boundaries are about YOU, not them. They’re not tools to change someone else’s behavior. Too often, I see clients trying to set boundaries as a means of manipulation. But the real purpose of boundaries is to redirect your own energy and focus.

How to set boundaries that are NOT just BS. 

TAKE THE JOURNEY YOURSELF:

1. Identify your point of pain. Is it HURT or HARM. 

1. IF HARM - straight to boundaries - removing the trigger

2. IF HURT - why is this hurtful? How old do I feel? Is there an old story from childhood I’m running with and using this event to confirm… eg I’m never included. She thinks I’m stupid. Nobody listens to me. 

1. Am i being challenged and could I use this to learn to respond not react without trying to change the other person?

2. Am I being manipulated? 

3. Am I being disrespected? 

2. Is this something the other party is doing consistently and on purpose? Yes / No

1. IF NO - think about why they could be doing it and then communicate the issue, coming to the table with potential solutions. 

2. IF YES - think what changes need to be made to address the “hurt” 

1. Self work - strengthen your own wounds around the trigger

2. Boundaries - removing the trigger .

1. Identify the trigger and conceptualize how you can respectfully remove it. 

2. Communicate with the other party that you are doing this and why! *(this is huge! People are not toxic for not respecting you boundaries if they have no clue you have set them!) 

3. Be consistent. If you want change (or your decision to be respected) you have to be consistent. Setting and removing boundaries is bullshit. It’s just a temper tantrum. If you feel so strongly about something then stand by it. If the dynamics change THEN 100% be open for change but if you can’t stand tall by your conviction then don’t call victim. 

Family and relationships matter. The emotions they stir up, the big life questions … That’s not necessarily a bad thing. The ability to tackle these feelings in family context could actually be  the ideal scenario. 

So, the next time you feel triggered and want to run, resist the urge to blame “toxic” behaviour or hide behind your right to set a “boundary” like a scapegoat. Do the work. Dig into what’s really bothering you and try to find a way to navigate it. If a boundary is necessary, establish it properly, communicate it clearly, and stay consistent.