LIVING A COURAGEOUS LIFE
Courage: The ability to do something that frightens one; bravery.
If I were to ask, do you want to be thought of as courageous, I would assume most of you would respond with a unanimous - Yes! I mean who wouldn’t? Courage is strength, leadership, power, pride - The Lion: King of the jungle.
Well, how many of you can say you are really living your life courageously? Showing up in the world unapologetically and consistently in alignment with what you believe and willing to do the work to stand by that?
In this month’s BULLetin I want to discuss a really important skillset to grow in order to live bravely: The courage to be DISLIKED.
Why do I want to be disliked?
I hear you, it sounds counterintuitive that in a culture obsessed with likes and follows, being DISLIKED might actually be the key. As humans, we biologically seek acceptance, to be included as part of the tribe. Fitting in gives our nervous system “safety”. It FEELS good. BUT… I see firsthand the toll it takes on our character to hide the many aspects of the self that one has for fear of judgment or ostracisation. In choosing the addictive “feel good”, we are pushing down the true ‘self’, lacking the courage of conviction to live out a life in accordance with our individual values.
So, how do we change it? As with anything, time and effort. Active attention to grow our capacity to be “disliked” in order to be true to ourselves.
How to do it?
1. Learn what you stand for - What are your values
Our personal values are the foundation to how we act, behave and interact with the world. Having clarity on what it is that is important to us is critical to be able to build our courage at withstanding the “uncomfortable” and what to prioritise. Basing our choices on those that are aligned with our values rather than what sits comfortably is a healthy way to navigate growth.
How to know your values?
Use PSS’s values exercise as a starting point - Values Exercise
The Imperfects Podcast - What are your Values? - Listen here
2. Learn to trust yourself
Taking radical responsibility for your OWN self-worth is critical. If we are seeking validation externally then we will feel the need to reduce our opinions or presence in order to keep peace or be accepted. This will see us people pleasing or avoiding conflict behavior. To have high self worth is to believe in yourself as your “own person”, acknowledging and accepting your vulnerabilities, imperfections, and the possibility that not everyone will approve of you. Everyone has the capacity to grow, but without acknowledging who we are and where we want to be, we can not begin the work. This self-acceptance fosters resilience and strengthens your sense of trust in your direction.
Find your Authentic Voice - Watch here
3. Learn to sit with being disliked
Growing your ability to receive feedback / criticism without defensiveness is really important. Work on noticing the activation in the system, noticing the discomfort and need to defend or people please but instead try to pause. Use the space to check in with your values and either admit you have wavered, readjust or stand true to your path. Remember that the activation in and of itself should not define the reaction.
The irony is that when you start growing the capacity to be disliked you will be more respected. Sure, maybe not universally liked, but esteemed for having integrity and alignment with values. In my opinion, I would rather be respected for being true to my beliefs than liked for nothing.
Stand for nothing and fall for anything (Alexander Hamilton)
Stand for yourself and others will respect you even if they don't like you.