EMOTIONS…ARE THEY A GENDERED EXPERIENCE.
PRE-READ
This month (June 10-16) is Men’s Health Week, a time to also bring awareness to Men’s mental health. Current stats say that 1 in 2 men will experience a mental health disorder in their lifetime… This is huge! Why is it exactly that men are currently facing such a crippling emotional experience? Is it that emotions are gendered and men have a raw end of the deal? As a couples counsellor and working with men 1:1, I started reflecting.
DISCLAIMER:
The below message is NOT a discussion about what it “IS” to be a male or female. While I could definitely delve into that (hit me up if you want to!), I’m sticking to the anatomical definition of Male and Female. Let’s try to understand the fundamentals of two sides of the coin before we debate if there are sides at all.
EMOTIONS… Are they a gendered experience? Real men don’t cry. Boys let their fists do the talking. Women are irrational, emotional archeologists. These stereotypical remarks bid the question of if emotions are in fact something determined by Gender? I can’t tell you the number of couples I see who feel they don’t “get” the other’s emotions….
So is it really that “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" (READ) ?
What does the science say:
Research shows that emotion and it’s level of intensity is not inherently gender specific. Emotions are a universal human experience, but how we receive, interpret and respond to said emotion is indeed influenced by our gender. This is due to biological, psychological, neurological (yes our brains are different), evolutionary and sociocultural factors.
What’s different?
Biological differences:
Men and women have different brains, stress responses and hormonal makeup. Our brains develop at different rates and in different ways. Girls' linguistic and communication skills mature at a faster rate than boys, while boys use a different part of their brains to encode memories, recognise faces, solve certain problems and make decisions.
Females exhibit a "tend-and-befriend" stress response, seeking social support and nurturing activities during stress, while males move toward a "fight-or-flight" response, reacting with aggression or withdrawal.
Finally and maybe most importantly, we have a completely different hormonal makeup, influencing differences in emotional regulation. Males have higher Testosterone levels (linked to aggression, spatial reasoning and motor skills), while females have higher estrogen and progesterone (thought to influence nurturing behaviours). Independently these hormones interact with neurotransmitter systems in the brain, including serotonin, dopamine, and GABA, to varying degrees, influencing mood regulation and emotional processing. Add to all this the differences in our cycles; male 24 hours vs female 28 -30 days (not to mention the rollercoaster to menstruation and then peri and postmenopausal). This in itself is enough to showcase emotional expression differences.
All in all, biologically we have two different machines receiving messages differently and regulated on different schedules in different ways, of course we can’t expect the same “processing”.
Male vs Female hormonal cycle.
Sociocultural:
‘Femininity’ and ‘masculinity’ are in fact cultural norms that exist simultaneously in all of us. Over time however, we, as a society have associated these with “gender”. Basic qualities, such as emotion, became intrinsically linked to your gender and role; masculine (thinking, Independence, self) and feminine (emotions, vulnerability, soft, sensitivity).
We have created a pattern of understanding that men mask their emotions, “do” rather than “talk” and communicate only for a result. They “keep on” rather than appear weak. But these aren’t just “cultural” norms, they were evolutionally necessary. Historically, primal safety was key, vulnerability being unsafe in many situations. Men kept vulnerable women and children safe. They kept on because of the need to stay alive. Yes, today’s equality and modern luxury doesn’t ask for this, but it disrupts the ‘natural order’ (rightly or wrongly based on biology and evolution), displacing many and not pausing to notice the consequences.
WATCH: Masculinity is not toxic
The concept of “gender roles” has long been debated in feminist theories particularly in the 70’s and 80’s when women were seeking the equal OPPORTUNITIES (rightly so)... However, with the rise of feminism, we are seeing both sexes starting to struggle to understand their place and what it means to be a man or woman as well as how to emotionally respond.
I work with a LOT of couples, same sex and heterosexual. I can see regardless of gender, emotional expression mismatch continually causes conflict. Inside a relationship, we all have ROLES AND EXPECTATIONS. Problem is that these are too often inferred rather than openly discussed. Without clear expectations, comes resentment.
Couple meets in their early or mid 20’s…. Two individuals able to explore their ideas, careers and the world together. It’s exciting and fulfilling and filled with dopamine-inducing peak experiences like falling in love (limerence); studies, beginnings of career, weddings, family plans, pregnancies etc peak peak peak/ dopamine/ dopamine/ dopamine (read the molecule of more)... Then reality bites in the form of postpartum life. Hard hits on body, immunity, sleep, intimacy and the role allocation situation becomes STARK. Women have been told they can have it all and everything should (and could) be 50/50 and men have been told the same. One of the biggest fallacies and most unhelpful stories a couple can carry into building a family.
WATCH: Michelle Obama on Relationships
WATCH: Brene Brown - Relationships are not 50/50
You HAVE to negotiate your roles. You HAVE to be honest regarding your capacity (hey honey I’ve got about 20% today I’m knackered can you pull an 80% today, i really need support?) and SOMEBODY will be doing more of the unpaid home “work” and somebody will be doing more of the paid “work” and tit4tat should not be a part of family life. Acceptance and embracing of roles, be it “traditional” (man works outside the home while woman may work P/T but mostly is responsible for kids/ babies) or non traditional each person brings value and a unique skill be it MAN or WOMAN
I remind my couples of each of their intrinsic value and recommend the 80/80 marriage book (READ) to fully unpack and move away from tat4tat. Men need to feel valued and needed and validated as much as women do and yet our society has made it commonplace to ridicule men and their traits and habits and devalue their role. Men nurture differently to women. Men help our kids take more risks, they tend not to coddle as much as women and the common act of belittling their role breeds contempt and messes with intimacy and connection.
I emphasise that they will not see / experience or feel the same thing the same way and they are not MEANT to. It doesn’t mean they are not aligned or equally as involved, it is the nature of the individual emotional expression. Your partner may be your best friend , but they are also the other half of your whole and if you want that to work, sometimes you need to take on different sides.
WATCH: Anna Machin - Biochemistry of roles
Men and women do have inherently different ways we recognise and cope with emotions.
We will express our emotions dependent not just on our biology, but based on the role we see ourselves in within our environments.
Women ARE hormonally charged, evolutionally communal and more likely to want to discuss the situation. Men conversely are more likely to want to act, protect and avoid conflict with fight or flight.
If we want to help our males (or those in masculine roles) to feel emotionally secure, then we need to stop demonising the masculine. Someone who can ‘keep on keeping on’, see logically at times of stress and act as the protector at all costs is not to be devalued. Working THROUGH emotions with power tools, music and a sense of purpose is no less effective than an ice cream tub, crying or a deep and meaningful with your friends. Anger is no better than sadness.
There is no right or wrong, just different. Everyone’s role is invaluable. Everyone’s feelings are valid.
It’s not easy and yep most of the time it feels like males and females are speaking different languages, but the good news is that we are not martians from different planets, but rather, two humans living the human experience of figuring our our place and how to make meaning of our physiological sensations - our emotions.