RELATIONSHIPS - Rupture to repair to resolve
In couples therapy, the hardest truth to face is that every situation has two stories and two truths. To repair a relationship, you must fully understand both sides of the rupture, sit with that discomfort, and only then can you choose the path that works for you to heal. It is then our decision to step up to repair, or, move the step further towards resolution.
RELATIONSHIP REPAIR exercise.
STEP INTO THEIR SHOES
We need to practice unconditional positive regard. It is easy to assume the negative but we need to actively TRY to assume they are not trying to hurt you. To discern - are they trying to maliciously hurt you? If so, why? Is there evidence of this person trying to maliciously hurt / aggravate me ? We need to try to imagine their lived experience - their point of view and lens of the situation.
Be bold. Step into their shoes. This isn’t about defending yourself or justifying your actions. It’s about making space for their truth and seeing the world from their perspective.
As soon as you try this, your mind will scream:
“But that’s not fair!”
“You don’t understand the context!”
Don’t engage. Push those thoughts aside. They don’t matter right now. The goal is curiosity, not defense.
Ask yourself:
Where is this person emotionally and mentally right now?
How might they interpret my words, my actions, or my silence?
What past experiences, values, or conditioning shape the way they see me?
The point is to reach a place where you can say, “Of course they would feel that way.” Their hurt, anger, or frustration is valid, even if you don’t agree with it. Step back and ask: If I were them, could I see why they feel the way they do?
DOES IT FIT?
Once you’ve truly understood their perspective, it’s time for some tough questions:
Am I okay with being seen this way?
Can I live with the discomfort of their judgment?
Why does it feel uncomfortable? Is it because I’m fine with my actions, but I don’t like how they’re being perceived?
Now you’re at a crossroads with three options:
Option A: Stand Firm
You stand by your actions, regardless of how they feel. You may wish they weren’t hurt, but you’re not invested in changing their perception. You’re willing to sit with the discomfort of being judged, because your values and integrity matter more than their judgment.
Option B: Take Responsibility
You see you could’ve handled things differently. You own your actions and offer an apology. This requires vulnerability and a true willingness to repair the relationship by helping them see your side, or acceptance that we can not
Option C: Acknowledge, Don’t Apologize
You stand by your behavior but acknowledge their feelings. You won’t apologize, but you’re willing to sit with the discomfort of being the villain. You know you can’t control how they perceive you, but you’re not compromising your values just to make them feel better.
If you want repair, you must be brave enough to step into the shoes of the person you’ve hurt or betrayed, to see their truth. Welcome curiosity and develop the capacity to think like they do. This is the only way to understand where the real work needs to happen and how you want to move forward.
Now here’s the KICKER ….
Repair is not the same as resolve…
Repair is: We each see each other's side and we understand and want to grow the capacity to reconnect.
Resolution is: Beyond repair. It aims for a long-term solution or agreement on how to prevent future ruptures. It's about finding a clear, mutual understanding and a way forward that satisfies both parties.
Repair is necessary for but not inherent of “resolved”. Sometimes the priority is to seek to repair and reconnect with this person and a “resolution” isn’t necessary. Sometimes we will need to go further…. Having the awareness and radical acceptance of what you are seeking is part of the work.
Relationship rupture to repair and possible resolution