ARE YOUR FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS HOLDING YOU BACK?
Girlfriends. BFF. Besties…Women supporting women - Love it!
Gathering, downloading and having a listening ear in a female friendship is important. An outlet to share problems, thoughts, feelings, and triumphs with is helpful for hormonal and emotional regulation. BUT - and here’s the important point - Don’t think that it is taking the role of a therapist.
In friendship you have a safe space. One you can feel you can share intimate, honest versions of yourself. But the reason this space is safe is EXACTLY why it is NOT the place for therapy.
Think… when was the last time you or your BFF held each other accountable?
Research shows, the most important thing women look for in their same-sex friendships is emotional support. The three things that make women feel very close and connected are support, symmetry and secrecy. We literally value our friendships on how much we unwaveringly show up to mutual self-disclose and support us. Add to this that your friendship was probably initiated by your similar worldview and we can see how female friendships act as an environment to roll in the mud of feelings and give fire to your existing skewed perspectives. We are thriving off validating one another’s biases too, scared or incapable of giving objective feedback, let alone challenging perspectives.
Let’s also discuss the toxicity of the “anti-men lense” that plays out in today’s society, especially when a group of women get together. An unfortunate side effect of feminism is that supporting women usually comes at the expense of men. As a marriage counsellor, time after time I see one of two dynamics - women amped up by their “sisterhood” to vilify their partners, or women feeling alone, withholding from their female friends for fear of the hate and man-bashing that will ensue on their partners should they share. But ladies, how are either of these dynamics actually helping? Sitting around, fearing being judged OR actively judging others from the righteousness of our own biases is not a ‘friendly’ thing to do and it is definitely not going to help move the dial of change.
Friends have your back, it’s one of the best things about them, but what if your back isn’t helping you move forward?
As females, we need to work together to invite our female friends to be radically honest with each other and explore our shadow aspects, and how they play out in our relationship. We need to get together and dissect how MY jealousy is affecting the relationship. How MY boss woman mentality could feel to my partner. We need to help each other notice and take accountability in our own insecurities and the toxicity surrounding femininity as a whole rather than exacerbate this cycle.
A couple came in seeking repair after the husband had been found having an affair. The wife specifically sought me out to help get real. She said she’s sick of people letting her sit in the victim seat and wanted to proactively address what SHE needed to do to address the issues in the marriage. Surrounded by supportive parents and close friends, she felt completely alone as everyone instinctively reacted to protect and vilianise the husband. She wanted proactive steps to reconnect rather than roll in shame, blame and feelings. She wanted a checkpoint for her expectations and biases within the relationship and post affair that was not there as a comfort cushion but rather a gateway to growth. Together we addressed the couple's existing biases and values alignment issues. We got real on what was underlying their disconnection and what they both wanted moving forward.
Friends are fab. But next time you are having a ‘deep and meaningful’ with your friend, ask yourself, why am I sharing and what is it I am seeking to achieve?
If it’s for validation, fine, but be aware that “being there for you” is not necessarily helping you.
If it’s for the radical candor you are hoping for, be discerning in who you are sharing with and work to build the ability to sit in conflict and explore your shadows with your friend.
Shift your perspective to maintain a ratio of 70% positive interactions to 30% negative interactions. This way you can build trust while also building resistance through conflicts. Check in with where you and this friend’s values align and make sure you know when they don’t.
Trust yourself. Allow yourself your OWN journey. If you really want objectivity and challenged perspectives, change your female relationships to invite conflict, or better yet - employ a therapist!
READ: Fighting for our friendships
LISTEN: How friendships impacting your dating