CHALLENGE YOUR PERCEPTION OF STRESS.
‘Stress’ like ‘Anxiety’ and ‘Depression’ seem to be common vernacular for negative feelings or experiences and all three are biologically necessary and appropriate and really need to be understood better.
In our society, we are constantly striving for ‘balance’, addicted to dopamine, (highly recommend the book: The Molecule of More) comfort, ease and the pursuit of happiness. In doing so, we are demonising the contrasting side of what it is to be alive, aiming to rid ourselves of an innate part of our biology not to mention seeking to manipulate the human experience.
I won’t bore any of you with the biology of fight, flight and fawn (HERE if you are lost), but our body has a ‘stress’ response to tell us something, it’s a signal not a catastrophe. It’s not for nothing but actually has helped us survive for centuries and it can still help us survive and thrive, should we listen rather than avoid it at all costs! In fact I would suggest you intentionally factor it into your life in order to grow your capacity to deal with unplanned STRESSORS eg weights training, sauna, ice bath, breath techniques, puzzles, brain teasers, learn a language, DO HARD THINGS, HAVE HARD CONVERSATIONS… our brains and nervous systems actually benefit and GROW from doing things that we DON’T want to do (stress) but push through and do them anyway.
Neuroscientist, Dr Andrew Huberman discusses this in his podcast: How to build Willpower
I deal with severe and at times life threatening cases of anxiety and depression daily and am definitely not discounting the subsequent pain and suffering they can bring. What I am highlighting is that ‘stress’ is not the demon, our mindset about what stress means, our reaction to it that is the true culprit. It’s our inability to recognise it coming on and desire to run from it.
Fight or flight can still be helpful (see Kelly McGonial’s How to make stress our friend). Stress can give us a rush of energy, or focus our attention so we can quickly respond to the situation like a person running in front of our car by slamming on the brakes. It increases oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) priming you to strengthen close relationships and create connections. The challenge is, when our body goes into a state of stress in inappropriate situations or prolonged periods of time and we don’t address it, that it is an issue. It’s our responsibility to listen to our body and interpret it, to recognise our triggers and choose healthy, sustainable reactions and relievers.
Kelly McGonial’s: How to make stress our friend)
A newly separated mum of two, started seeing me for her crippling anxiety after her husband’s affair. Alone with two kids under 4 she found herself almost physically paralysed by the fear of “what’s next” but more so with building her capacity to accept her new reality. Perfectionism and the IDEA of what her life should look like IS ACTUALLY what kept her looping/ stressing and comparing how it was in reality versus how she believed it should be.
Physically her body was responding: Fawn response. disconnecting from body sensations, going “numb” and becoming “cut off” from your own needs. She was bingeing, not able to sleep and falling back into obsessive patterns in a desperate bid to CONTROL her life, feel safe and avoid pain.
Yes, she would benefit from all the things generally prescribed for stress eg, yoga, meditation, breathing, talk therapy but she also needed some hard truths. Long term debilitating stress, the type that IS unhealthy and contributing to inflammation in the body and disease… is less about the events of life and more about the stories we have about them and our resistance to accepting them and believing they shouldn’t be happening in the first place.
We started with addressing her hormones and postpartum fluctuations. We prioritised sleep (always start with the foundations of health!) and play with the kids rather than setting up their “future”. We removed the “future” lens and concentrated on today. She started exercising to do what she loved rather than what might burn calories and increased protein and hormone healthy foods. Next we started on uncovering the underlying reasons for the stress, debunking long standing ideas on infidelity, the ‘perfect’ family and the pain of feeling alone and incapable. We sat in the stress and listened to why it was there, re-connecting with self and addressing the root needs. We quelled stress not just by “thinking happy thoughts” but the hard work of challenging self beliefs and building self confidence and a community.
I’m happy to report she’s currently surfing, newly experimenting with dating and building her own network of kickarse single mums.
The nutshell of if all?
Stress is not our enemy. Calm is not the ideal.
Dopamine hits are not happiness. Life comes in ebbs and flows and it’s up to us to radically accept where we are and do the work to LIVE in and through each ebb and flow.
We need contrast and all that each state brings to live our fullest lives.